Rodney's Joke Page

Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

The Hotel

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works, "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it." The women talk it over and decide to go for it.
They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind". The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads: "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do so again they head for the stairs. The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read: "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors... So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."
The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman."

Three Executions

Three women were waiting to be executed: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. It was an old-fashioned execution. Of course, these women didn't want to die, so they needed a plan.
The redhead said, "I have an idea... follow my lead."
So, when it was time for the redhead's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall.
"Do you have any last words?" he asked.
"No." she replied.
"Ok then... we're set. Ready.... aim...."
"TORNADO!" the she yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!
The brunette and blonde saw this. So, when it was time for the brunette's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall.
"Do you have any last words?" he asked.
"No." she replied.
"Ok then... we're set. Ready.... aim...."
"FLOOD!" the brunette yelled out, pointing. The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!
Now the blonde understood this. So, when it was time for the blonde's execution, the man put on her blindfold and made her line up against a wall.
"Do you have any last words?" he asked.
"No." she replied.
"Ok then... we're set. Ready.... aim...."


"FIRE!"

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

The Man and the Donkey

There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY .....
IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS.

A woman enters a bar and raises her arm to reveal an armpit full of hair. "Does anyone want to shout me a beer?", she yells. "Yes I'll shout you a beer", comes the reply from a gentleman in the corner. "Bartender give the lovely ballerina a beer, on me" he yells. The bartender gives her a beer, which she quickly drinks.
Again she raises her arm and yells out, "Does anyone want to shout me a beer?". And again the gentleman in the corner yells to the bartender, "Give the lovely ballerina a beer, on me". Again the bartender gives her a beer which she quickly drinks.
This goes on for quite a while until the bartender goes over to the gentleman in the corner and says, "Look mate, this is very good of you but why do you keep buying this woman a beer everytime she raises her arm and asks for one and why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
"Well", he replied, "if she can lift her leg that high, she deserves to get free drinks".

2 Men and a Woman are stranded on a deserted island. After 2 months, the woman gets so disgusted with her perverted lifestyle that she kills herself.
2 months later, the 2 men get so disgusted with their filthy and perverted lifestyle that they bury her.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this ligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer."I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

Microsoft vs. GM
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And...
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

Practicing your "art"
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him.
Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

The Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again..... It now says :
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
NOTE: Anyone who finds this joke "Politically Incorrect" is contributing to the decline of Western Civilization.

Two Statutes
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head."

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.

Whorehouse Parrot
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyways. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad." A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly gates. St Pete says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want to be Bo Derek" and POOF she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says (with heavy Italian accent), "I want to be Sarah Pepalini."
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sarah Pepalini" replies the nun. St Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, this says, Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days!"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying themail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

There was this guy travelin' through Nebraska. Got lost on a country road and drove up to a farmhouse to ask directions. He's out there talkin' to the farmer, shootin' the breeze, talkin' about the weather, the price of corn. Suddenly, this pig comes racing out of the barn, squealing with delight, jumpin' up and down at the farmer's feet, playfully nuzzling his ankles. The farmer reaches down, pats him on the head and scratches his belly. The guy sees that the pig has a wooden leg.
Now this guy doesn't want to seem nosey, doesn't wanna piss off the farmer with any damn-fool questions -- but finally, curiosity gets the best of him and he asks: "Why the hell does this pig have a wooden leg?"
The farmer immediately tenses up and narrows his eyes at the stranger. "Now, you just be careful what you say 'bout this here pig. This pig's real special to me, ya know."
The guy's embarassed now. He starts to sputter a half-hearted apology, but the farmer cuts him off.
"Let me tell you somethin' about that pig. A few months back, I was out plowin' the back forty. The tractor went up an incline, overturned on me. The seat pinned me to the ground. I could barely breathe. I screamed best I could, but nobody heered me -- 'ceptin' that pig." He pointed down at the pig with the wooden leg. "That pig right there came trottin' outta the barn, jumped over the fence, ran across the field, dug me out, pulled me out by the collar, startin' jumpin' on my chest to get my heart started and gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" he said. "That pig saved my life!"
"That's amazing," the man marveled. "So, he hurt his leg going over the fence ... ?"
"No, no, no ... " The farmer snorted at the guy. "Let me tell you something else. A few weeks ago, the wife and I were sleeping in that house over there," he pointed past the barn. "An ember from the fireplace musta come out on the rug. The curtains went up, hell the whole room was on fire." He glances down at the pig with the wooden leg. "That pig. That pig right here, came bustin' outta the barn. Ran up through the yard squealin' like the dickens, started jumpin' up and down outside the winder, started banging his snout against the glass, thumpin' his head against the wall. The wife and me heered it, but couldn't see a damned thing through the smoke. By then, that pig, that pig right here, was inside the house and led us through the smoke and flame. Got us to safety," he said. "That pig saved our lives!"
"Oh, I see! He burned his leg in the fire, right?"
"No, no, no ... " The farmer was clearly annoyed.
At this point, the guy didn't care. He was so wracked with curiosity that he was almost screaming. "So why the hell does the pig have a wooden leg??!!"
The farmer thought he was talking to an imbecile. "Are you crazy? You get a great pig like this, you don't wanna eat him all at once!"

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya f*ck one goat . . . "

Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body. So they called up his two friends Swen and Lars to come and try to I.D. the body.
Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet and Swen said, "Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over. "So the mortician rolled him over and Swen looked at his ass and said, "No dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician didn't say any thing but thought that was kind of strange.
Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars looked at him and said, "Yaa he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Lars looked down at his ass and said, "No dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician said, "How can you tell?" Lars said, "Well Olaf had two assholes. "What? he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olaf with them two assholes!"

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks G*d.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the bronze rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge there is a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up out of reach and clinging tightly to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the exhausted tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

WHAT AM I????

- THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG.
- THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES.
IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION.
- IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER.
- IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.=20
- ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS.
- WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT.
- AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING
CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN.........
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
- .....TOOTHBRUSH.........
what were you thinking?
You PERVERT!

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes, Father, it's me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
"No, Father."
Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"NO, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
"Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads."

As an airplane is about to crash a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man jumps up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Dangerfield, a traveling salesman, is drinking in a bar in a one-horse town, in the middle of nowhere. He's feeling really horny, and approaches the bartender.
He says, "Hey, pal, I need a girl. Can you help me?"
The bartender says, "There's no girls in this town. But we do have Singaloo the cook..."
Dangerfield says, "Hey, man...I don't go for that shit."
He starts drinking again, and after a while, he approaches the bartender again.
He says, "Look, pal, any girl at all. I've got lots of bread, I'll take care of you, her, whatever."
The bartender says, "There ain't no girls, mac. But we do have Singaloo the Cook..."
Dangerfield gets pissed. He says, "I told you, I don't go for that shit." Dangerfield goes back to his table.
He has about six more martinis, and by then, he's loaded, and he can't take it anymore.
He goes up to the bar and says, "Okay, okay, Singaloo the cook. Fine. What do I do?"
The bartender says, "Go into the back room there, and I'll send in Singaloo and R.L. and Maurice in about ten minutes."
Dangerfield says, " R.L. and Maurice? Who the hell are R.L. and Maurice?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're gonna hold him. Singaloo doesn't go for that shit, either."

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
  O   O
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
  O     O
I said (pointing to the small circle) "This is your asshole before prison ...."

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!
So the second old man rushed to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!
Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him. The Nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off atthe next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male), "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
Well the Hippie decides to try this out. So the next Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes, glowing, wearing a mask of God.
"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!

Over a pleasant evening meal some friends and I were discussing going to the gym and the various effects of working out.
Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for the "reasonable" cost of $6000.
I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented, "For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery."
Rob replied, "For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like."

A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was discussing the wide variety of frequency-of-sex that could still be considered normal.
"Many people find that sex every other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy -- and that's fine. Yet others want to make love nightly--and there's nothing wrong with that either. Let's take an informal survey of this class. Don't be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How many people here make love more than twice a week?" A few hands shot up. "Twice a week?" A few more hands.
"Weekly, on average?" Many hands. "Once every two weeks?" he continued, and "Once a month?" and "Once every several months?" and finally, "Once a year?"
At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly.
"Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "but if you only make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?"
Replied the student, "Tonight's the night!"

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it.
The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig.
They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there.
The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said, "Um...would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,"A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,"A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal| I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes". So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked.
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours.
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

A football player and a cheerleader got married. On the first night, the guy took off his pants and told the cheerleader to put them on. She did so, then asked "What now?"
He said to let go, and when she did, the pants fell to the floor. "Just to show you are not big enough to wear the pants in this family!", he said.
Later, after walking around in near nothing, she takes off her panties and tosses them to him. "Put these on", she instructed.
Of course, they came about to his knees. "I can't get in these", he said.
She replied "and you are not going to until you change that damned attitude, either!"

A guy's getting married on Saturday. Friday night, his friends take him out, get him waylaid, bylaid, rolaid, mislaid, up, down, up, bing, bang, boom, forget it, his pecker is a mangled mess, he doesn't know what to do. He takes two popsicle sticks, puts them along side his dick, and wraps it with adhesive tape.
The next day he gets married. Here they are in their honeymoon suite...she walks out stark naked...
She says, "Look, honey. Untouched by human hands."
He's gotta think quick...
He pulls down his pants and says, "Look! Hah! Not even out of the crate."

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the test of my life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies - ."

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells the boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. Quickly, the boy offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Then minutes pass and still not movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again..."
The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The lady cashier asks, "What size?"
The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."
"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.
The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence.
While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it.
When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"
The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

A man goes to the doctor complaining of a tremendous headache that has plagued him for 10 years.
The doctor tells the man that he can alleviate the head pain by amputating his balls. The man tells the doctor that he has tried every treatment under the sun for the last 10 years and nothing has worked.
The doctor assures the man that removing his balls is the only solution. Reluctantly the man agrees to the surgery and get his balls removed.
In the recovery room the doctor asks the man how his head feels. "I can't believe it Doctor. This is the first time in 10 years I haven't had a headache. "Thank you Doctor for covincing me to go through with the surgery." the man said.
With that the man left the hospital and went to a mens clothing store to buy a whole new wardrobe to celebrate his new life without head pain. He told the tailor in the store to get all new clothes for him from head to toe.
The tailor looked at the man and said "You look like a 42 regular jacket, size 34 waist, 32 inch inseam, 16 inch neck, 34 inch sleeve, size 12 shoe and size 36 underwear. The man said "That's incredible you got every size correct except for the underwear, I wear a size 34."
The tailor said, "Please sir I know my business very well and I can tell that you wear a size 36 underwear." The man insisted, "Now look here, I know what size underwear I wear and I tell you I wear a size 34, I've worn a size 34 for the last 10 years now bring me a size 34 underwear."
The tailor said "Alright I'll bring you a size 34 but take my word for it, that size 34 underwear is going to squeeze your balls up next to your body so tight you're gonna get a big headache!

A guy is driving down I-5 with his loudmouth wife beside him, when he sees WSP lights behind him.
He pulls over and the officer says, "did you know you have a tail light out?" "No..." he says. Just then his loudmouthwife pitches in, "I *told* you your light was out! You should have listened to me!" At which the man says, "Be quiet, you harpy bitch!"
The State Patrolman then says, "did you also know that you were going ten-miles over the speed limit?" Before he can say anything the man's wife blurts out, "I *told* you you were going too fast! You should have listened to me!" "Shut up, you harpy bitch!" the man grumbles...
The State Patrolman looks at the pair quizzically. "Does he always speak to you like that?" he asks. "Only when he's drunk!" she replies....

This joke is best told by a woman to her boyfriend/husband.

you: "say, did you know there are four different types of orgasms?"
Frank (or whomever you happen to be telling the joke to...): "no."
you: "yeah... first, there is the positive orgasm: 'oh, YES! ohhhhhh, YESSS!!!'
next, the negative orgasm: 'oh, NO! ohhhhhhhhh, NOOOO!!!'
then, the religious orgasm: 'oh GOD! ohhhhhh GOD!'
finally, the *fake* orgasm: 'oh FRANK! ohhhhh FRAAAANK!!!!'

A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty.
"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."
The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse."
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy whispered something into the horses ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. 20 minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on it's back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, nd helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods...
"Second wish," said the Chief.
"I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy.
"Give him his horse," said the Chief.
Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. 30 minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head on it's back.
The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods...
"This is your last wish," said the Chief," make it a good one."
"I'll need my horse again." "Give him his horse," said the Chief.
The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head and put his face right up to the horse's.
"Look, it's *POSSE*, ok, *POSSE*!!!"

A V.P. is called into the CEO's office at the end of a day's work.
"I've got some bad news for you, Harry. It seems our profits are down and unless we let go of one of executives, I'm afraid we won't make this month's bills.
So I've narrowed it down to two choices. One is the new female head of accounting and other, I hate to say, is your best friend, Jack. I'm going to let you decide which one goes.
"But you can't fire Jack. He just bought a new house. His wife is due to have their baby anyday now, and not to mention, he's paying for an operation that his mother needs really bad. You just can't...," pleads the V.P.
Well. I'll make it easy for you," says the boss. "I'm going to send a memo to each instructing them to see you in the morning and first one who shows up to your office will be the one that you'll fire. Easy as that."
The next morning, the V.P. is sitting in his office when there comes a knock on the door. Harry is relieved to see it's the new woman from accounting.
"I got a memo to see you this morning, sir?" " Oh yes, come in and have a seat , won't you." as Harry circles around to the front of his desk and leans back upon it. "I have to make a very important decision so I guess I'll get right to the point. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
"I beg your pardon," she says.
"I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off," repeats the V.P.
"Well, all can I say is," as she leans forward and starts unbuckling his pants,"let's stop beating around the bush. I'm as horny as you are."
"But..but...but.," is all Harry can say before she drops to her knees and starts giving him head which leads to various versions of around-the world until he finally blows his load.
Just then his friend ,Jack, sticks his head through the door and says, "Hey old buddy, you wanted to see me?"
"You bet I do........you're fired."

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster, one that would service all of his many hens, and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you." "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word , he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

What's nine inches tall and has an arrow through it?
Custer's Last Stand!
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes
One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and
was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out of MYASS".
Thank You For Your Time MIS Department

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, stated during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." And with that, she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
Correct," said Mr. Perkins.
"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a very dreadful disappointment!"

WOMEN BASHING JOKES

There's been tons of male bashing jokes, so in the interest of fair play ...
Q Whats the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q. What are the small bumps around a womans' nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wet and wild, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.